My first “Are those your kids?”

“You will have black babies” I remember exactly where we were sitting in our tiny Tokyo apartment when my then boyfriend, now husband and father of our three daughters were sitting. It left me with a feeling. This feeling triggered my education journey – on my own racism (we all have been racially socialized), on what it means to be the white momma and on being biracial/mixed.

Part of this journey was joining a Facebook group actually called “Are those your kids?” It’s a great group for parents of biracial/multiracial/mixed children, biological or adopted. Reading through comments and stories I became aware that people ask interracial families “Are those your kids?”. Given how many people reported various such incidents it seemed only a matter of time until I would? Almost four years of motherhood went by and I had not experienced the situation – until last weekend. And boy, was I not prepared.

Here is how it happened

Saturday afternoon, we went out with the whole family. My husband ran an errand with Baby, while I took Globy and Shiby for ice cream. In the queue in front of me was a white guy. We exchanged some half looks that I interpreted as the recognition that we’re both foreigners in Japan and/or the look people give you when you have small children with you. We’re at the check out when he goes: “Are those your kids?”

Two feelings rushed through my whole body the moment I heard the question.

The first was a very clear feeling: Love, belonging, pride, momma bear protectiveness and any other positive feeling you can have for child. “YES, THEY ARE!” I said calmly and smiled. “They’re really cute.” was his reply.

The other feeling was anything but clear. What makes him ask that? Why would he question if they are? Isn’t it obvious that I am their momma? (I’m pretty sure they called me ‘Mama’ while we were waiting line) How dare he? Why does this question feel so wrong? What does he gain by asking, and then knowing? Why does he feel entitled to ask and know? What was it again that I had read in all those group posts about when people ask these questions? Wow, I just got my first “Are those your kids?” question! Crazy. So weird.

“Did you laugh though? This is such a stupid question. I would have asked him what kind of a dumb question that is.” was my husband’s first response when I told him. Unfortunately, I hadn’t asked that guy why he had asked the question. I am white, my kids are mixed. Was his motivation that simple (and sad)? I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt and to think of other reasons. Did he think I look too young or too old to have kids? Not momma like enough? Any reason I can come up with still doesn’t seem to justify asking this question, especially not to just follow it up with ‘they’re cute’. You don’t have to know our relationship to tell me you find them cute.

A day later the situation and question was still very much on my mind. Why did it bother me so much? Was I overreacting? I turned to the Facebook group “Are those your kids?” and found a post with some 55 comments discussing the same exact situation happening to a white momma to a mixed girl, just in a different place and different time. Here’s what I have learned from going through the comments. (I will find out how to give credit to the people who I am quoting below.)

How to react to the question

With regards to responding to the question in the moment, I noticed 3-4 trends in the comments.

1. Say yes and smile. Most people in the comments seemed to suggest to simply confirm, smile and move on about your day without giving the question or person asking any importance.
2. Ask Why. This was suggested equally as often. It puts the responsibility back to the person asking as to why, how the question is asked and why it is relevant. I wanted to go back to the guy and ask him “Why?” but then it was more important to me to create an ice cream eating memory or my girls.
3. ” ‘What an odd thing to ask someone you don’t know’ and walk away.”
4. A humouristic answer. So many examples were mentioned that actually made me chuckle as I was reading through them. “They carved her out of my womb so she must be”.

My most important take away is to consider the effect my response will have on my children if they are there to witness the situation.

Just say yes with no explanation. I have always felt that if my kids see that I feel the need to explain then it makes our family seem odd. We don’t require an explanation in the same way that a non-mixed race family isn’t asked for one.

Why the question is inappropriate

I was relieved to find that other mommas had been weirded out by the question and left feeling emotional about it, too.

1. It is offensive and rude. It feels invasive and intrusive. And no, it is definitely not a friendly conversation starter. Try the weather, complementing the parents outfit, asking a question about the place you’re at – anything but this question.
2. It reinforces stereotypes. Families don’t always look alike. Interracial couples, adopted, patch work families – there can be many reasons. In our friend circle there might be more mixed couples than same race/culture/nationality couples. In the US, almost 7% of the adult population could be considered multiracial according to the PEW Research Center.
3. It can be triggering. Whatever intention someone has with the question, this intention becomes irrelevant when the impact is harmful. Think of all the families with adopted children who have had their journeys coming together as families. Depending on how, they might not want to be reminded of them, especially not by a stranger. What effect does it have on children to hear this kind of question being asked?
4. It is non of your business. Again going back to trying to figure out what an acceptable reason to ask this question might be and I can’t think of any. To get a German Passport for a baby, both parents have to be present. The case worker can confirm whether I am their momma. Other reasons? Still can’t think of any.

[…] And reinforces the idea that families should look alike.

Conclusion

Four years into motherhood was the first time I experienced this situation. I have a feeling there will be more coming for which I want to be more ready. Another comment suggested to the momma who started the discussion to reflect why it made her so emotional. As much as I judge the other person for asking ‘such a dumb question’ I really like this comment. As I continue my learning journey I will reflect why this question got me so worked up. While I already have an idea I will leave it for another post.

Have you experienced this situation? What did you make of it?